“Would you rather be smart or would you rather be pretty?” 

My father asked me this when I was in third grade, at eight years old I found myself confronted with a question that I felt would define the rest of my life. Obviously, my father couldn’t grant me either of these things, from a societal lens at least, but I still knew that to him there was a right answer. To him the right answer, the obvious answer, was “smart”. Optimistic for a daughter that valued intelligence over the perceived frivolity that girlhood represented, aware of the long line of educators she sprouted from. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t but this question is not easy for little girls or teen girls, or mothers, or grandmothers.  

As a little girl this creates a division of the mind. Many have participated in the rejection of girlhood without knowing why (understandable considering it happens when we are children). Growing up in a misogynistic and heavily gendered world there is a pressure to conform or rebel, starting from minor decisions in childhood. It is no secret that hyper femininity is often diminished and made fun of, resulting in general disregard of the individual. This starts early and often continues into womanhood. The scorn for those who enjoy dolls, pink and purple and princesses becomes disdain and belittlement of women wearing makeup or dressing up. This is because hyper femininity is a shameless representation of traditional womanhood in a world that scorns female confidence and puts importance on traditionally masculine characteristics. 

For a woman to be smart before she is beautiful is for her to become invisible to half of the world. For a woman to be beautiful before she is smart is for her to become an item to most of the world. Where is the middle ground with this question? There is none, just like there is none for women. That young version of myself quickly learned that women must be everything all at once while simultaneously diluting themselves to fit into a digestible package. It is no revelation that womanhood is defined by double standards but upon closer inspection these double standards are heightened by the sense that a woman’s identity is forced to be binary. The either/or that is introduced in a conversation about beauty versus brains not only enforces patriarchal ideas that women must continually prove their value it also ignores the notion that both beauty and intelligence are survival methods for many women. 

It is crucial to note that identities are forever shifting and changing. There are certain unchangeable staples that we are all born with but internal feelings are so heavily influenced by an individual’s environment, so shifts are inevitable. The beauty and wit that we often rely on to define us will eventually dissolve and morph into a new meaning as years pass so it is important to not settle into the labels given to us by a world that only knows a fraction of our being.

Reach column writer Ada Capecchi at musemediauw@gmail.com
Instagram @capecchiii